EXANIMO

i am not missing you..i am so not missing you…i do not miss you.

here i am again.feeling helpless..why am i not getting used to it?until now?

and why did i ever believe.??for the many (hanging) promises, i was too foolish to even make room for hope, for faith..to trust.and to be disappointed.

but because i somehow absorbed the optimism you have (which i have always adored), i am still thankful coz at least now i am sure that you can not keep promises. that promises are made to make someone happy for a time, and leave you remorse in the end.

yet, i thank you for that time you made that promise.i was so happy then but i resisted the excitement though still made a little room for it..i am such a fool. i know.i have been your favorite victim ever since.

i will not think of you today.i am busy.very busy.and i am happy without you.

…

…

the end. (premonition: i am rewriting/reposting this blog)

*you gave color to my dark world…”

i should be sleeping.

id like to go here tonight..alone.where i can touch the breeze and mist.where i can feel fear and serenity.to enter the unknown.with no one else to help.where i might die in peace.where i could watch my own image, and see my deepest thoughts.where all emotions float in the air and i could just pick what i choose to feel.

could this place be real?

il sail here with my memories of the past and hopes of the future.

this is exactly where i want to go tonight.not much emotions to carry.

im floating.

this is great.

wake me up when i had enough

hay..bt di ka ngpparamdam..?dahil di mo nmn to nababasa at mababasa dahil super “busy” ka sa kung saan mo,oh kung mg-ol k man eh mafia wars at poker ang inaatupag mo,e2 na ang gagawin kong official journal kung saan sasabihin ko lahat ng gusto kong sabihin sau..!

bt di ka ngpparamdam??dati nmn ngttxt ka lagi kahit b4 man lang matulog..ngaun kahit naka-5 missed calls na ako,wala prn.hnhntay mo ba na tawagan kita gabi-gabi porke alam mong naka-plan ako??

mas ok pa dati..kahit isang txt lang sa isang araw, lalo pg gabi..mrmdaman ko man lang na naiisip mo ako.gabi na..busy ka pb?anu gngawa mo?naiinis ako kasi naiisip kita.sana,pagod nlng ako para bagsak agad sa kama.para di na kita maisip.

natatakot akong masanay na wala ka..baka di na kita hanapin.baka di na ako maging masaya na makita ka.baka mawalan ka na ng halaga…baka wala na akong maramdaman para sau..

kung ayaw mo,wag.sana mapagod na ako.mapagod sa kaiisp sau.

bukas,di kita ittxt nang buong araw.sana lang maisip mong tumawag.sana lang maramdaman mo na may problema tau.sana lang,paramdam mo nmn na mahalaga ako..

buti nlng,di na umuulan..bawas “effects” sa malungkot na gabi.pakshet.

Tonight, all i want to do is to write about LOVE.about YOU.

I’ve often thought why i love you.Several times,we tried to answer “Why do you love me?” And i often say, “I love you because you make me happy.” You would abruptly say “We should love for no reason.I love you because i love you.That’s it.That’s how it should be.”

The stubborn me would always try to defend my answer. “If I’m not happy with you,why should I keep you?If all you will do is to hurt me and make me sad,why should I not find a better guy for me?We are all in search for happiness.I’m keeping you because i know,everyday spent with you brings me joy.”

And that ends our conversation.We hug each other and hold hands.And each breath of yours tells me “Someday, you’ll change your mind.You’ll love me because you love me.”

And so tonight,Im going to find more reasons why i love you.I’ll start when i first fell in love.

I love you because you go to our apartment early morning to serve breakfast in bed, before attending your class.I love you because you never failed to fetch me wherever i am.I love you because you prefer eating dinner with me than with your friends.I love you because you give me a foot massage before i go to bed.I love you because you carry me on your back whenever we cross a muddy path,just so my feet wont get filthy.I love you because you hand me spoon and fork,and glass,and hot sauce, and tissue whenever we eat.I love you because you keep the receipts whenever we dine, and write love letters in it.I so love you because you tenderly KISS ME ON THE FOREHEAD.That’s the sweetest kiss for me.It brings so much respect and love, and care.I love you because you would borrow a friend’s bike to fetch me during late night rehearsals.

I love you because you endured the pain when I hit you like a punching bag to relieve myself ( if only i could pin you down,i certainly would) when I’m vexed.I love you because you always buy me fishballs, kwek kwek, proven, and all other street foods i like.I love  you because you  ride the bus with me from elbi to buendia,and then you’ll go back to elbi again for your class.

I love you because you undoubtedly TRUST this love we have. I love you because you love me unconditionally. I love you because you give the time i want whenever i want it. I love you because you love me more.

I love you BY because im a better person with you. I love you because you embraced all my flaws. I love you because you were there when i was wrecked and devastated.

All these i say because the selfish me prevails.And id like people to throw me stones so i could be hurt, for once..since you never did.

And deep down in my heart, i love you more today.And i wouldnt wish to be with someone else.But i dont know how to prove it. i dont know how to show you how much you mean to me.i dont know if i could ever match the love you’ve given all these years.

I would like to hug you forever.Id like to serve you breakfast each morning.I’d like to give you a night massage.I’d wish to be your slave.I’d do anything for you.I love you so much….i could forget all my happiness just to see you smile.

I love you not because im happy when im with you..i love you because i NEED you in my life.and i want you to need me too…i need you to love me…..

Borednard (isang kapatid sa paghabi ng mga salitang tgos sa laman, kakampi sa pgimbento ng kung anu-anong salita, at kaakibat sa panggugulo ng buhay at pgkwestiyon sa maraming bagay)

“sa lahat ng makikiraan, mg-iwan nmn kau ng kahit anong marka.penge nrn ng konting limos kahit barya2 lang..” (nagddramang borednard)

nang una kong mabasa ang pamagat, akala ko tumutukoy ito sa laht ng makikiraan sa iyong buhay..na sana kahit ppaano mgiwan nmn sila ng marka na maaring  balikbalikan.mlungkot man o mga maliligayang sandaling pwedeng mgpaalala sa mga taong nangahas na pasukin ang iyong maputik na  buhay..nakakatawa.dumdalaw sila pg tulog ka.hehe.

saka ka hihingi ng konting limos,ng konting pag-ibig.ng kapirasong pagtingin.wag ka nang umasa.may mga tao tlgang kontento na sa pgdaan.uusisain ka’t paglalaruan.may mga bumibisita para lang makisagap ng balita.titikman ka’t biglang maglalaho pag nasuya.antamis mo kasi pre.nakakauhaw.nakakaumay.

at wag ka ng humirit ng nag-uumapaw na pag-ibig.kahit pa gutom na gutom na yang puso mo.malilipasan ka rin ng gutom.

sa susunod, kumain ka kasi sa tamang oras.umibig sa tamang panahon. (kung malalaman mo kung kelan ito) mahirap magka-ulcer.masakit.mahapdi.nkakaiyak.nakakapanghina.wag mo nang hayaang lumala. iwasan ang mga pgkaing maasim at maanghang.iwasan din muna ang kape at gatas. wag patulan ang taong marami pa raw “asim” sa katawan.gayun din ang mga maalindog (HOT mama). umiwas rin sa mga babaeng may gatas pa sa labi.at sa mga taong nakakawala ng antok,na kahit madaling araw na eh puno pa ng enerhiya para gawin ang kung anu-anong bagay (alam mo na yun).

naisip ko tuloy..pano kaya ang pakiramdam ng may heart ulcer??magagamot ko pa ba ito?ngaun, ako nmn ang manlilimos ng konting payo.LOLS.

im missing silence and music….

it comforts the soul..it’s makes me realize one thing :

the things that make me happy,are the very things that make me sad..

He who knows not, and knows not that he knows not, is a fool; shun him.

He who knows not, and knows that he knows not, is a child; teach him.

He who knows, and knows not that he knows, is asleep; wake him.

He who knows, and knows that he knows, is wise; follow him.

i wouldn’t hate you for that..

il be doing the same thing if i were you..

that’s just fair and reasonable.

*it’s when i look back at the memories we had

that compels me not to stop hoping..

to be more focused on creating my diary with you..

worth writing and remembering..

someday,we’ll be happier with what we have.

Today I’m happy..

yesterday, i felt like something’s missing.there was this hole inside me,i felt like i was shot at my chest and it was hard for me to breathe..i felt like screaming on top of a mountain and release all the energy so i would just fall freely like a ball of water ready to explode as it hits the ground.but, i wanted that pain.i wanted blood around me..i want to chop myself to death and then pick up my parts.the agony was overwhelming..i must have been hypnotized in torturing myself..u asked me to pull the trigger and i did.u were too omniscient.

i was a fool.

i convinced myself that i was my own culprit.i was my own murderer.ive been killing myself to test my vulnerability..the limit of my being human..

i drenched myself with tears so as to clean the stains of my blood.someday,ill extract more of this blood for you..but i would not die..never.

today im happy..the river of tears may have reached the ocean,and there it found peace and serenity..resilience is my ultimate power.now i could bathe u with my blood,but that i would not do.now i could only see you from afar.and il never wish to be with you again.pain’s not for me..

the next time i feel it,it would be self-inflicted.

“…people nowadays dont date anymore..they just hang out..hook up..”